What is the counselling journey going to be like?

What if you're considering therapy because you want your life to be different, but you don't have an idea of what the journey will be like?

If you've heard the BetterHelp ads about how your life could be better, you may wonder: what can I expect once I start therapy? Well, I'm going to try to lay that out for you.

Firstly, a disclaimer: everyone is different. That means, no two people will have the same experiences,  nor the same two ways of being in the world that make certain things easier or harder to navigate; nor will they be on the same point on their journey to feeling more in control of their destiny.

Right. Now I've got that out of the way, I'm going to generalise and predict EXACTLY what everyone* will experience.

1) IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE JUST TALKING.

I can do this with my mum/mates/girlfriend/husband/religious leader. So why do I need to pay you to do it?

Yes, believe it or not, talking to a half decent (or better) counsellor may feel like you're just having a nice chat. A chat about difficult things, but they'll ease you along the path. They'll do this by (hopefully) minimising any embarrassment or shame you feel around the subjects you discuss. I try to look for the point when a conversation is getting too intense or uncomfortable for the client and pull it back a bit. Return to more comfortable areas. 

 

2) THEY ASK QUESTIONS THAT FEEL A BIT UNUSUAL

   

Where the **** is that going?!

They'll also encourage you to explore subjects that other people in your life might not think of. How can they do this? They've had their own therapy; they've had training, and they should have an idea what it feels like to be breaking new ground as you are.

You may well expect someone with a Freudian beard to sit next to you as you lie on the chaise-longue, asking "Tell me about your mother". Yes, it's not impossible the subject of your family of origin may come into it at some point (if they are a trauma-informed therapist, they'll be signed up to the C-PTSD idea that "we were damaged in relationships with others"). Most likely, family stuff will introduced in the context of what you're talking about. For example, if you describe feeling afraid of conflict at work, it might be asked what it was like when you disagreed with your parents. Personally, I think we get the templates for how we interact (and how we expect things to go) from our early experiences, so it's usually useful to look back to those and see if there's any emotional processing that got missed at the time.

Counsellors also do things like talking about RIGHT NOW. That might be scary if it's new to you, so I tend to do it gently at first and see how you respond. They could be questions like "What is on your mind when I say that?", or "Do you notice any tension in your face when you say their name?" Questions your mate down the pub might not ask.

Unless your mate down the pub is me... 

3) YOU MIGHT START TO FEEL LESS HAPPY THAN WHEN YOU STARTED

What's the point in this? I came here to feel better.

Ah yes, the old "it gets worse before it gets better" and "it's always darkest before the dawn".
Here's why:

People often feel depressed or anxious because there are issues in their lives that bother them, but they don't realise it. Or, if they do realise what bothers them, but the amount of "bother" feels disproportionate and needs to be managed in some way, which causes other problems (e.g. drinking to excess).

As you attend therapy, you will start to become more in touch with your feelings about the things that bother you. Unfortunately, this often means you will start to think about many things that upset/annoy you. Hence, you feel "worse' than when you started. 

But, don't expect to feel miserable for long. A bit like being in rain without an umbrella soaks your clothes in the moment, but it makes your garden look lovely a few days later.

4) YOU HAVE A CRISIS OR YOUR PROBLEM ISSUES GET WORSE

This won't be true for everyone, but for some, the new awareness of the "bothering" stuff will lead to such distress, that a major life change feels the only possible way forward. This could be taking time away from work or from certain relationships in your life.

Alternatively, you may think, "It must be the bloody counselling that's making me unhappy all the time." and  stop attending. Why would you pay money to feel worse?

You're not. But like learning to ride a bike, you're going to fall off and get a few grazes before you can do it. 

5) YOU ARE AWARE OF FEELING MORE PRESENT AND EVEN.... HAPPIER

This is what you came for, though perhaps you thought you'd feel like this without having to make any changes in your life. 

Yes for some, the world outside the therapy room doesn't change at all, but more likely than not, your increased level of awareness of what matters to you and what doesn't, will translate into wider changes. And these changes mean you feel like getting up in the morning and engaging with the world.